Walk on the Wild Side

May 9th, 2023 -- I was thinking of swimming the Puget Sound the other day when I realized I couldn’t swim something that had the word sound in it. I also don’t know how to swim. Finally, what the hell is a Puget, anyway? That was when I finally got the nerve to move to Panama, as I had planned for months, with my cured ham and other precious belongings. The trip to Panama was long and laborious. I was forced to eat my ham along the way because my other belongings, although special in their own way, were largely inedible. Once I arrived in Panama I learned that the Canal had vanished and was replaced, rather hastily, with a big trench that connected the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. As I surveyed my new habitat I could see the disappointment in the eyes of the Panamanians at the loss of their sacred canal. According to old Panamanian folklore, the canal was carved in three days and four nights by the Earth God, Icabod, in early December, 1976. Instantly, I recognized the gravity of the situation, for if a country can loose its beloved canal, then the door is opened to even greater evils, e.g. animal evaporation and the return of Crystal Pepsi. I set immediately to righting this catastrophic wrong. I petitioned in front of the Panamanian governmental headquarters, guessing they might have struck a deal with Bono to trade the canal for an AIDS vaccine and three more guaranteed Time Magazine covers, but the governmental officials refused to acknowledge my presence. I left, dejected and wanting for a good ham sandwich, and stumbled into a Panamanian Coliseum, where the locals were playing a silly game called sock car. In this sock car, a player must, get this, cooperate with the other 10 players on his team to “kick” a ball into a net. Apparently, a player cannot touch the ball with his hands during this game at any time, lest he risk incurring the vile “yellow card,” which I surmised was a bad thing. Then, little Raul wandered up to me and said “Mr., the game is called soccer, not sock car,” and naturally I thought the little bastard was crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse, but it turns out the little rascal was right. No less, this soc-cer game is apparently the most popular sport in all of human history, and typically draws 1 billion viewers worldwide during the World Cup, which is held every 4 years in a different country. My problems were solved. I would begin the campaign to have Panama host the 2026 World Cup, putting Panama on the world stage, forcing the corrupt Panamanian government to answer for the missing canal.

Needless to say, I was successful in my campaign, which is why the trade routes between the East Indies and Southern Japan remain open. The 2026 World Cup was held in Panama, and when the world descended on the small Central American country, they too saw what I saw, the missing canal. With the collective will of all living creatures, the Earth God, Icabod was summoned from his slumber to put right what had gone so horribly wrong. And with his Golden Pickaxe and Silver Shovel, Icabod disposed of that mangy trench and replaced it with a glorious canal, thus restoring a national treasure. And the colored girls said, doo do doo do doo do do doo, doo do doo do doo do do doo, …