Twenty Young Puppets

“If you sell a tetherball to twenty young puppets you will surely get a free pass to heaven," said Thomas Jefferson three days before he died of pneumonia in 1947. I tend to disagree with this basic sentiment on the grounds that reversal of fortune seems to never affect those who are most deserved. When did the chimney ever sell me out, you might ask, but the real question is "how many ham sandwiches can I truly fit into a 22.6 cubic foot suitcase?" The answer is pure algebra, it’s around 12-13,000, depending on the sandwich schematics. Furthermore, if you plan to invest in short term stocks be sure to hedge and then maybe wedge your bets into a hammock made out of either wool or steel or some combination of the two, like steel wool. Only then will your investment be safe from intruders and will also have the advantageous property of being able to efficiently scrub dishes that have become soiled beyond the point of mere spongery. I claim Texas in the name of Thai food, and the food is grateful I can assure you (we spoke last Thursday for several hours on the state of affairs in Georgia, the country not the state). It's clear to me now that if we were to have invested half the energy in bicycles as we did in motorized transportation we'd have already landed on Venus and perhaps set up a space colony on Jupiter. The correlation is evident when one considers the magical journey of E.T. To truly phone home, you must be prepared to bike there shortly afterwards. Lawlessness is tolerated by some magnates, but then the Harvard law school has denounced such debauchery in a formal letter titled “Grand larceny, Look how Far We’ve Come.” The crux of the argument isn’t in the act of committing larceny but enjoying the possibility that it could happen anywhere at any time. You may be enjoying your biweekly water polo match with your good friend Chuck from the station, when out of the blue larceny comes and beats your wife and rapes your children. Needless to say this isn’t a desirable outcome, but there are times when larceny has lent a helping hand. Hearken back to olden times when ol’ larce cured an ailing boy of his consumption, and then there was the time in 1921 when larceny fought for the heavyweight boxing title of the world and won in a spilt decision against Mean Joe Green. The point is simple, if you plan to vacation in the wilds of Europe, particularly Cambridge, then bring a big fucking axe and a satchel full of whale sperm. You will be protected against all manner of evil, and this will serve you well when you go to the bank to cash out your life savings and buy a small stretch of Nebraskan land, a place where you can raise a family in peace and get the hell out of this damn dirty rat race once and for all. Amen brother…