The War of 1812

There was this guy who was really tough and he sold stuff out of a small bag. He would go from township to town and force people to buy trinkets and useful objects, such as dishwashers and gumdrop dispensers. One night he traveled too far off the beaten path and he was severely beaten by Christians in wooden helmets. The man was displeased, but not completely thwarted. He sought refuge in an enormous hammock built by squirrels during the war of 1812, during which time it served as an armament and a tennis court for the aristocrats of Southern Ireland. Slowly, over the course of 23 years, the man regained his strength by eating a steady diet of grubs, worms, and Eggs Benedict. He emerged from his hammock cocoon, a stronger, more skilled salesman than he could have ever imagined. He strode confidently from village to village and sold insanely valuable items and worthless baubles for the same price. He was unstoppable until, when en route to a Maine Bed and Breakfast, he was accosted in a forest by a group of ill-willed Presbyterians. They wore hockey sticks and beat him with goalie masks as part of a new church campaign called “Beat People in a Novel Way Week.” The salesman escaped to Montréal where he later killed himself when he realized he was in Canada.